In a fit of anger, you say you form a fist and count ten pussy cats to maintain peace and balance. And you added that when everything burns like hell’s kitchen, you lock your room, roll the shutters and holler at the top of your lungs.
But you never said anything about the days when you leave the doors and windows open to just stay in bed, lay on your back and count the number of grains or squares or cobwebs on the white ceiling. They often wonder if you turn green with madness or red with fury because you’ve never shown your emotion in public.
You only burst once when a salesclerk--in her own mistake thinks she can mask her negligence--raises her voice at you. You just lose it. You comfort yourself that you are not angry; just stressing a point. In truth, the rage consumed your pride and ego that very moment. Since then, you stop wondering what you are capable of doing in public.
But lately you take a second look at being non-confrontational and the rooftop. The seldom used rooftop. In your head, in between ordinary days, in a fit of madness, you grab the yoga mat and roll it on a space that can hold a party of ten. On that night, as you lay on your back with the ocean of stars before you, the few secrets of the universe hums, rolls and unrolls with your mat.
Then you left that zone and retrieve Van Gogh from memory to distract the moment.
On a night like this, on a St-Remy’s asylum, Van Gogh translated these stars, eleven of them, into a circular form, magnified than what you see. There is no swirling clouds tonight, only the stars, dot-to-dot.
It always brings back memories of childhood when the family switches off the house lights and gathers at the yard, telling stories which you have long forgotten now. But the night lingers, with you sitting on the grass, with your five-year-old head on your mother’s lap, listening intently to a story about elves and a fiefdom that now belongs to a distant memory.
Or on a night the house was renovated--when the second floor windows are left with no covers. And the moon’s honeyed light peers from those windows to the ground floor where you are seated.
Then you come full circle even for just a moment--like that game in childhood on moonlit nights when you only need water to paint the moon; the earth as your canvas.